I hate the way you talk to me.
And the way you cut your hair.
I hate the way you drive your car.
I hate it when you stare
I hate your stupid purple shirt.
And the way you read my mind.
I hate you so much it makes me sick--
it even makes me rhyme.
I hate the way you're always right.
I hate it when you lie.
I hate it when you make me laugh --
even worse when you make me cry.
I hate it that you're not around.
And the fact that you didnt call.
But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you - -
not even close,
not even a little bit,
not any at all. |
Hey look Ma! I'm riding a carousel.
And I just can't seem to get off. |
I had my first drink two nights ago. I was so desperate to stop feeling the way I do. God, I hope no one reads this. I'm so ashamed. Disgusted. Revolted. It's not what I did; it's that I feel like I betrayed myself. I don't know what's happening with me, I can't stop feeling so goddamn depressed. I always feel like I want to hurt myself; I feel worthless; I feel helpless. It's not unusual for me to have a good cry every now and then, it's actually very cleansing.
But I know something's wrong with me when I'm crying myself to sleep for three nights straight. Maybe this is a cry for help. I tried calling a friend last night, if for nothing else than to do something other than drink. No one ever picked up. So I tried someone else. The same effect. It made me feel alone. It scared me. It made me feel sick to my stomach. I couldn't even dial the next number I was shaking so badly, and I couldn't see anything.
Drinking isn't me. It's not who I am. Being depressed isn't me. Maybe it'll pass with time. I'm afraid of people seeing me like this. I guess that's why I didn't call the people who I knew could make things better. It's like a bad dream I can't wake up from. It's like a movie you can't stop watching. I'm lost.
I walked by the mirror last night. I saw a reflection, a look on my face, that I had never seen before. I cried.
I've come to dread the night.
It's so cliche. It's so emo. It's so not me.
What's happening? |
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Aug. 18th, 2004 @ 09:01 pm
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Wow. I love how shitty this week is after what possibly might rank as the best weekend ever.
Love. it.
Oh my god, you killed Jenny!!
You bastard. |
I learned some valuable lessons today.
iamnotdirk: plus, though, he was a colored man, i guess. penises don't contrast in color with a man's skin
Lesson 1: Guys are color coordinated... in their pants
iamnotdirk: don't get your hopes up, most men aren't eleven and a half inches
iamnotdirk: guys like that should be picked up and dropped off at porno-movie-making colonies
iamnotdirk: ..i wonder if places like that exist..
iamnotdirk: ..and if they do, what would happen if they accidentally dropped a guy off at the leper colony by mistake..
iamnotdirk: ..and falls in love with a beautiful woman with leprosy but is torn between escaping back into the real world and staying with his one true love and risking his 13-incher falling off..
iamnotdirk: i would call it...
iamnotdirk: "Member of Society"
Lizzalicious54: *falls off the chair laughing*
iamnotdirk: HEY! LOVE IS CRUEL, NOT FUNNY!
iamnotdirk: AND IF RISKING YOUR PENIS FALLING OFF ISN'T LOVE, THEN WHAT IS?
Lesson 2: Love is cruel
iamnotdirk: look, a penis is a wonderful thing
iamnotdirk: it's not all lumpy
iamnotdirk: without getting too graphic, it's roughly cylindrical
Lesson 3: ... this one speaks for itself
Let's end with a quote from everyone's favorite guy, Donnie Darko.
"That's what so illogical about smurfs, you know? What's the point in living if you don't have a dick?"
Thank you, Jake. A whole new world opened up for me.
Note to self: Rasputin's penis? |
| » Update |
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Update in 30 seconds or less. Go.
Smarty lost, Reagan died, Relay rocked, Jim's thaumaturgic, Paula's hott, Kim's sexy, Jon's back, Zach's odd, Frank's creepy, and I'm out.
<3 each. and. every. one.
J'adore Jim
~`*;Lizz;*`~
Jun. 7th, 2004 @ 10:55 pm
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| » I just can't say it enough... |
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still..
Happy Birthday Jim, you crazy m0f0. Give bodily fluids responsibly.
May. 26th, 2004 @ 07:25 pm
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| » Weave a web |
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This made me cry --> Angel's Wings
May. 23rd, 2004 @ 12:59 am
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| » Somebody kidnapped my ... |
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Last night was the phirst Phriday I've actually been out out in a while. Shrek 2 is absolutely adorable, I laughed the whole way through. Aphterwards, Jim and I were ophph on another whirlwind adventure, complete with a daring escape phrom D-Town. We even scared away some potheads.
I'm not going to the mini-con today. Los parentals decided I've been out too much lately, and iph I wanna go shopping on Sunday with Jake, I have to stay home and do chores all day. Phun.
Song oph the Moment: Holding out phor a hero - Jennipher Saunders
Hero oph the Millenium : Jim Buckley
Movie oph the Weekend: Shrek 2
<3... LizziRose
EDIT: Well I actually did make it to teh 'con. I bought pockey, played some SexSex Revolution with el KimSanford, harassed DanKeller, DanMarino, SteveSuffian, ChrisJackiewicz, Jakey (who is too cool for a last name, I've decided), and of course, raped Jon. :( Poor locker...
Yay for the Japanese. I wonder if they have American Culture Clubs in Japan? Is that a question like "Well, is all the stuff in China Made In America?"
Flyers are going to lose tonight. ^.~
EDIT EDIT: Who called the game? I did. We suck.
May. 22nd, 2004 @ 12:05 pm
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| » ... |
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Happy I Hate My Uterus Day!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
[rabble rabble rabble]
>:0
May. 20th, 2004 @ 06:51 pm
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| » Today |
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Today was fsking long. It needs to be Friday.
On que for this weekend: Shrek 2, Minicon, shopping with Jakey!
So, apparently I'm getting married in a week? Wuwt?
41 days to Incubus concert, 30 days until the end of school...
J'adore le Buckley de Jim
<3... LizziRose
May. 19th, 2004 @ 10:59 pm
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| » Lizz's Life in 30 seconds |
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Ready? Go.
Friday night: sat at home and read, did some things for my mom, practiced parallel parking.
Saturday night: Was going to go ghost hunting with some people from work (ask me about it if you're interested), but ended up raining down havoc upon random places with one Jim Buckley. We raided Kmart and Kohls, but their lack of Spiderman boxers soon had us driving for more interesting places; namely, Petco and their delicious selection of dog treats and beds. They should turn it into a hotel. Among other places currently under construction due to our destructive habits include Marshalls, several parking lots, McDonalds, and the park near my house. Then we talked until like 3 in the morning, which I guess technically would be...
Sunday: Went to Cabela's, saw a bunch of fat people and hicks. Some of those people should not own guns. Anywho, I'm here now.
Yay for you.
<3 Machall
May. 16th, 2004 @ 03:53 pm
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| » Makeup |
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So to make up for my emo as of late, I've decided to post a happy entry.
Lizz = happy. Jim = hotttt. World = good.
Now it's time for me to go read a book, which is what I'll be doing all tonight because I'm that much of a freak.
Beyond the gray sky by 311 is only my favorite song ever, and that's what I'm listening to right now. Also, Wonderwall by Oasis has been stuck on my mind lately.
On the bus home today, I decided that the phrase "Ignorance is bliss" is a paradox within itself. More on this later.
For now... it's off to work. Fridays are always too busy.
<3 (in' you).... Lizzard
May. 14th, 2004 @ 04:05 pm
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| » Nuts. Squirrels. What? |
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Gawd damn I am nuts.
Given the circumstances I should be crying my eyes out. I should be huddled in a corner, hating the world. I should be sacrificing social hour for much needed time alone.
I should be.
But I'm not.
I talked through some things with a friend, shared tears. There was a moment when I suddenly let all the stress from the past few weeks escape. It was intense. Call me crazy, but I feel lighter now. Almost like I could just stand outside and lift off the ground. I've never been one to hold a grudge, or let negative emotions overrun my normally positive mantra. That's just not the way I'm "wired."
And I guess I really don't feel like writing anymore.
With <3 to S.o.S. .... Lizz
May. 13th, 2004 @ 08:43 pm
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| » Grrrr |
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I'm in a philosophically agressive mood.
Thinking about the world, and how people are, and how people act, and how I've been acting lately really gets me on a roll. It's a mix of frusturation, anger, and remorse.
It's an intense mood, one were I tend to be fervent. Apologies to those I've upset as of late, personal apologies are works in the making.
I should take up boxing.
<3... A very aggressive female
aka. The Bitch
May. 12th, 2004 @ 09:38 pm
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| » Pac Manhattan |
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Pac Manhattan... coming soon to a Doylestown near you...
Stay posted for more information
May. 9th, 2004 @ 08:19 pm
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| » And today... |
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First and foremost: I'm missing my lucky coin. It has a Saggitarius sign on the front, and a triple Celtic knot on the back. If anyone finds it, please return is, as it has a lot of sentimental value to it. Thanks.
Second: Last night's talent show was amazing. I think the best performances were, in no particular order, Mike Green's "The Scientist", Caitlin Danis' song, Pat, James and Smo playing Philosphy, and of COURSE the best act up there: Drew and Zach's comedy skit. Love you guys, you did amazing!! I also saw Brandon Marsh. His girlfriend is so pretty! Shame I didn't get to talk to her though, I've heard a lot about her. One of these times...
Third: After the talent show, I went to a playground and played on the monkey bars with a certain Jim Buckley. Then we just sat there watching the stars. ((And they were moving!!)) :) It was definately an awesome night.
<3 you
<3... me
<3
~;*More Than Three*;~
May. 8th, 2004 @ 07:39 pm
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| » And So It Begins... |
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May of you have had braces. I know this because I did an ample amount of complaining before today, and found out a majority of my friends have had them. Why, then, was I not prepared for what I could rank near the top of "Worst Days Ever."
To understand what could be so traumatic about something as standard as braces, you have to understand that I have hated, nay, loathed the dentist from when I was a child. I used to hide in the bathtub or in closets before my checkup because I so hated all those instruments in my mouth. I'd cry and kick and scream and throw temper tantrums. I've been fortunate enough so far to only have one minor cavity and a couple teeth pulled, but even the thought of those send my stomach reeling.
Which brings us up to present day. For those of you who have escaped the unpleasant horrors of having braces... let me enlighten you. First, a big black woman sits you down in a chair, and speaks really slow and tells you this will be a "fun" experience.
Next, they need to find the bands that fit the back of your teeth. They push the bands on, then pull them off again, making you bit down repeatedly to "see if they fit." It feels nauseatingly like someone's jamming teeth into your mouth, making you chew the tops off of them, then pulling what's left of the tooth back out. You can actually hear the grinding and the crunching of your teeth. At one point while they were doing this, I actually started to cry and begged them to stop. They did, and gave me a couple minutes to calm down.
Admittedly, that was the worst part. But having your cheeks pulled back so they can stick instruments in your mouth, poke your tongue, and glue things to your teeth is far from pleasant. After they run the wire across and tighten it, they actually have the balls to say, "Hey, now that wasn't that bad, was it?"
Now my diet is reduced to baby food and small bits of apples that I have to cut up really tiny-like.
Then I went home, took massive amount of drugs and chocolate ice cream, and read my book. I fell asleep, dreamt that I got my braces off. Woke up to find no such luck.
Today has been a bad day.
<3... Lizz
May. 5th, 2004 @ 06:02 pm
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| » Whabamthmap |
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Msdfjwiwetwhlktklwncoiewcn
[incoherant happy sounds and mumbles]
I love Genuardi's
^____________^
Jiminy Buckley, you are amazing
May. 1st, 2004 @ 11:13 pm
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| » Grarl |
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Goddamn fsking Westies going off to Wildwood. Thanks for telling your East friends about it!! [rabble rabble]
In other news, my uncle on my dad's side has brought friends down for the weekend. This equates to them going out, getting drunk(excuse me.. "touring the breweries and bars"), and coming home to give me hell for, well, the hell of it. I plan to be out of the house as much as possible. Doing what? I don't know. I'll make it up as I go along. But my house is off limits for the weekend.
Life's just a barrel of monkies, ain't it?
<3... Lizz
P.S. Here's a picture of me in Cali in an oh-so-hott life guard pose. Hell. Yes. I *heart* Venice Beach.
Apr. 30th, 2004 @ 04:14 pm
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